20240529 :: forgot about this for a bit. in rome right now, a little tipsy on sangria. life has changed so much. i miss sean. ive been collecting flowers for him, for when i go home to him. i do miss my friends, though. i wish i had made more effort to stay in contact with them. i guess i still can, but it would be harder and more awkward. still, it would be worth it.
20230817 :: hey alice. we just talked. cheesy statement but it felt like coming home. i dont mind if you read this stuff by the way. i dont know how to bring it up but if there's anything i can do to help you with intimacy, i would be down for that. i think it would be good for me too, to be honest. small things like holding hands with someone feel monumental to me already. and also i still trust you i guess. i miss holding someone close.
20230110 :: Went on an adventure in the Marietta campus woods, took these pictures.
(L) The sunset, vertically. (R) A deflated softball (I think) that looked like a skull.
The sunset, horizontally.
When one of the trees fell, some shorter bushes scraped its bark off. It looked like a pelt to me.
A possum? Playing dead, probably. I didn't smell anything.
So many tires here...
The leaves all bunched up after the heavy rains of last week.
(L) Someone took their shoes off at some point. (R) Seems like a tree domino game happened.
20221102 :: i have got to get back into creating and publishing routinely, like every day. i feel bad.
20220928 :: Mr. ######,
I missed the midterm today as a result of poor executive function skills and insomnia made worse by anxiety about the test. I am frustrated by this because I have not found a good way to fix or improve my executive skills. Therefore, I can't really give you a plan as to how I'm planning to get better at this. I would appreciate a chance to take the midterm late or otherwise soften this blow to my grade. I don't feel like I deserve to, though, because I have always seen my trouble in impulse control etc. to be personal failings. I have a [student disability] plan, but I feel that blaming everything on my disorders will just allow me to not take responsibility for this. I don't know how much of my actions are actual free will and how much are due to disorders. How can I learn to prioritize important areas of my life like school, especially when I frequently return to thinking about the number of people in this world and the overall temporal-ness of my actions and choices? How can I care about a midterm when I am in the habit of reminding myself that my life will only directly impact two, or three generations of the future? And that thinking is necessary--if I cut it out, I expect I'll see myself and my power as greater than it is, and greater than it should be. I have to safeguard myself from the pleasures of this egotism.
Anyway, thanks for understanding. See you in class next Monday.
20220926 :: a picture i took today, of a net of pine needles made with a spiderweb. i think i'll actually make a separate page for image journaling.
20220822 :: a text i sent to my mom, when she asked me how my day went:
It's been great! I made it to all of my classes on time. Game design lecture was good, I made friends with the person sitting left of me. Lab was fun as well and I got ahead on a future project. Ate lunch at [campus restaurant] and went to discrete structures. It was fun math, I think I'll enjoy the homework. Then I went over and hung out with Jordyn (and ID'd the fruit), then I came back to [main campus] (and saw the plane right before). I got very invested in legal stuff on the bus ride back (I want to know how much trouble I'd get into for climbing the walnut tree [on secondary campus], and that led down a rabbithole of federal/state/local laws, crimes, property laws, etc). Then I hung out in the common area for a bit and had boiled peanuts. Roommate Dani came out to get her laundry and we had a pretty long conversation about the safety of the campus, puerto rico, and moonshine (apparently puerto rican moonshine is a big thing). Did a little more law research, now I'm heading to bed.
20220730 :: "how have you been handling the break-up?" *has spent the past day not eating, glued to a plant encyclopedia, fastidiously noting each family of plant that could possibly grow in my area* *can count on one hand the ounces of water ive ingested* yeah im doing alright
20220725 :: i think maybe sugar causes my anxiety
20220724 :: its been much easier to forgive myself and give myself second chances since i recognized that im a fundamentally evil person. it is very uncomfortable to be called out when im being passive-aggressive. i guess thats partially because nobody's called me out on it or maybe even really noticed it before. damn. im anxious again. fuuuuck ok ill go ask for validation >:((( . ok bleghh its done. i feel nauseous whenever i ask for someone to be kind to me, or to say nice things about me. she replied she said she still likes me a lot. that kinda broke something small in me, and i let myself cry for a few minutes. shes probably the person im most likely to believe. i know how shes confronted me about things head-on in the past. she is less likely to lie about that than others. i feel so relieved, my body is like jelly.
20220722 :: I feel so fucking good goddamn ! i finally hung out with a//// without feeling stressed (relationship anxiety, is-she-actually-enjoying-this, does-she-really-like-me-because-it-doesnt-feel-like-much-has-changed, etc.) during or after! big steps for me. i felt really comfortable and confident overall.
20220721 :: INCANTATION to end all SADNESS right NOW!! Different note: I must take grains of a whole and fully love them. It means nothing to explore the world and see natural beauty if I cannot fall in love with a 1x1' square of dead grasses and mildewy weeds in my backyard. It used to be overwhelming, the Whole. Now it is overly indulgent to experience it first. the experience of the minute feeds better.
20220416 :: it's very green outside now, especially when it rains. i'm supposed to get pictures of the river at sunset for hanna, but i keep forgetting. the semester is about to end. i have overdue work to turn in. i feel like i was in the middle of something important yesterday or the day before. i can't remember what it was but . i just remembered i have dnd tonight, ive got to get some prep work done for that.