Your name is Ann, and you've just returned from a super-secret mission.
(click-append: "Ann")[ (Ralph Ann Monday, to be exact)](click-append: "super-secret mission")[ (no, it really IS secret, promise)]
Your codename this mission was the ingenius "Anise", and it made you feel good, like you were a star-shaped seed pod that rattled when you walked. Management really didn't skimp on the travel accommodations this time. You would be back home in no less than 8 hours. Just enough time for a good night's sleep.
(click-append: "this time.")[ (It's already been leagues better than that time you strolled up the tarmac to find your scheduled plane, a twin-prop Piper aircraft of some designation, idling with the keys in the ignition.)](click-append: "sleep.")[ (To the annoyance of your coworkers, you had no problem conking out when given the chance.)]
You take the time to reflect on your work. (click-append:"You take the time to reflect on your work.")[ You've been out for a month and a half, all the way across the world in the dense urban thicket of Singapore. The assignment had you track an infamous street-magician monkey who had been using his funds to drill for oil underneath the city. Admittedly, his contraption of loose change wrangled into a spinning top of (-) drill bit was impressive, but (--) went directly against (---) standard code of Oil. Everything got (-----) more complicated (--------) tracked (--------). The monkey jumped ship (----) cargo freighter (-----------) Hong Kong. You followed, (---------------------) capture him (---------) dove under (---) island (------) evil lair. (--------) monkeys (----------------) breath underwater (----) long? (--------------) murky tube (--) fluorescent purple fluid (-------------------------------------------------) being strapped down (----) lab table (--------------------------) magician nowhere (--------). You escaped easily, (-----------------------------), (---) whisked up a scrumptious helping (--) nitroglycerin (---) kieselguhr. You exploded (---) lab, swam up (--) the surface, and enjoyed (-) taro bubble tea while waiting for your clothes to dry. Easy stuff.
How come you didn't explode yourself? How'd you make it up to the surface on your measly human lungs? How did the freighter crew not notice a monkey and a giant of a man duking it out on the deck? The world (and you) may never know.
You settle in to sleep, but...
[[...something unfortunate happens.->Your plane is crashing]]
[[...something fortunate happens.->You get a text from the monkey]]]You take the time to reflect on your work. You've been out for a month and a half, all the way across the world in the dense urban thicket of Singapore. The assignment had you track an infamous street-magician monkey who had been using his funds to drill for oil underneath the city. Admittedly, his contraption of loose change wrangled into a spinning top of a drill bit was impressive, but it went directly against the standard code of Oil. Everything got a bit more complicated once you tracked him down. The monkey jumped ship to a cargo freighter heading for Hong Kong. You followed, and almost managed to capture him before he dove under the island to his evil lair. Who knew monkeys could hold their breath underwater THAT long? You remember a murky tube of fluorescent purple fluid and the uncomfortable (but not unusual) strain of being strapped down to a lab table...and then you woke to the magician nowhere in sight. You escaped easily, like you'd been trained to do, and whisked up a scrumptious helping of nitroglycerin and kieselguhr. You exploded the lab, swam up to the surface, and enjoyed a taro bubble tea while waiting for your clothes to dry. Easy stuff.
monkey planted geocache in ralph's neck to hide it from the people coming after him for it. the monkey is against the Orangunization (which ralph is commissioned by), who are trying to find all the geocaches. the monkey knows ralph is fairly incompetent and goes off-course often, so he plants the gc in the hopes that ralph will accidentally take it somewhere other than to his home base (why? fix motivation, sounds too unlikely). ralph is part of gov't org that deals with busting crime or smth, the orangunization is a top-secret offshoot of that org. the people coming after ralph now to get the gc are former coworkers of his who he thought went MIA. maybe monkey doesnt know ralph is part of the org? he just knows the other two are coming after him and ralph can slip away unnoticed. (the other two are currently rogue ? they saw a new gc signal pop up and are pursuing it w/o having gotten it cleared w their bosses)
carmen sandiego / 39 clues / lara croft / indiana jones / as above so below vibesYour plane is crashing. You can feel it. You've been on enough flights to know that the kind of turbulence you're experiencing is NOT normal. Oh god. You've never been religious and you won't start now, but Christ Almighty.
(click-append: "won't start now")[ (that feels like cheating, you know? You've never put in the work, why should you reap the benefit?)]
The flight attendant walks by. She's still carrying on with dinner service, but you know that she's feeling the same panic you are. She's stopped to ask you whether you want pasta fettuccini or a grilled cheese with eggs over-easy. You can't make that kind of decision! But oh, she's still looking at you, looking directly at you and you can read her brainwaves through her pupils.
(enchant:?flightattendant, (text-style:'italic'))
|flightattendant>["The plane is crashing tonight."]
|flightattendant>["We're all going to die in the ocean, except for a set of passengers in 38C and 38D who will die at the hospital after a few weeks of coma."]
|flightattendant>["Why aren't you making your arrangements?"]
|flightattendant>["Please just tell me which meal you want."]
|flightattendant>["Is this guy okay? Fuck, don't tell me we have another puker."]
|flightattendant>["Maybe if I look uncomfortable enough he'll get up and go to the bathroom or something. Come on, take the hint big guy."]
You take the hint.
(click-replace: "You take the hint.")[You take the hint, and break eye contact to scamper up the center aisle and into the bathroom.
In the bathroom, the noise from the engines is more pronounced. It's regular, regular like your heartbeat. You look in the mirror.
(if: $cha > 8)[[[You like what you see.->Sexy bod!]]]
[[You don't like what you see.->Why's the captain in here with you?]]]Your phone lights up with a text from an unknown number:
(enchant: ?monkey, (text-color: "green"))
{
(live: 0.5s)[
(stop:)
|monkey>[HELLO ANISE]
]
}
{
(live: 2.0s)[
(stop:)
|monkey>[HOW IS YOUR FLIGHT]
]
}
{ (live: 2.5s)[
(stop:)
|monkey>[...]
]
}
{
(live: 3.5s)[
(stop:)
(replace:"...")[|monkey>[THIS IS THE MONKEY MAGICIAN]]
]
}
{
(live: 4.0s)[
(stop:)
|monkey>[BTW]
]
}Whew, looking nice! The part of you that you can see in the miniscule mirror, anyway. You've got a set of strong shoulders(if: $str < 10)[ (not in the literal sense, of course)], a well-fitted cargo vest with gizmos and gadgets, and a sexy purple glow coming from-
Hm, you guess it's coming from that tracker implanted in the back of your neck. That's new.
Take it out.
(if: $int > 14)[(click-replace: "Take it out.")[Woah there! That's not the best idea.]]
(if: $str > $int)[(click-replace: "Take it out.")[You tug it out with a "pop!"]]
(else:)[(click-replace: "Take it out.")[You give a small tug, but the thing is pretty well stuck.]]The round sheet is only big enough to fit one of your shoulders in, and behind it you see-wait, why's the captain in here with you? If he's here, then...
"Who's flying the plane?" you manage, and do your best to turn around.
The captain smiles up at you. "It's on autopilot, silly. Now budge over a bit, I've got to piss."
You embrace the captain and rotate together like a revolving door so he's closer to the toilet. You avert your eyes politely.
Make awkward conversation.
(click-replace: "Make awkward conversation.")["So, pretty nice weather we're having."
"Sure. Wind 115 degrees at 4 knots, 5 miles visibility, few clouds at 3000 feet and broken at 5200 feet, temperature 21 degrees, dew point 14.8 degrees," he replies. "Say, while we're here, do you happen to know a..."
He rummages around in his pockets and finds an old receipt with neat handwritten notes on the back.
"A passenger by the name of Ralph Tuesday? Also goes by Ann?"
Well, that's almost you.
(set: $varRand to (random: 8,15))
(if: $cha > $varRand)[[[React coolly->Cool guy]]]
[[React uncoolly->Uncool guy]]](enchant: ?intro, (text-style:"italic"))
|intro>[Giant swooping birds fly by...
...a child's hiccups are bottled and sold...
...a spider decides to retire to an awning to be closer to her grandchildren...
...and somewhere, you are boarding a plane.]
{[(set: $int = 10)
(set: $cha = 10)
(set: $str = 10)
(set: $con = 10)
(set: $totalPoints = 0)]}
Set your stats!
Points remaining: |pointsStat>[0]
Intelligence: |intStat>[10] {
(link-repeat: "|+|")[
(if: $totalPoints > 0)[
(set: $int to it + 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it - 1)
(replace: ?intStat)[|intStat>[$int]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
(link-repeat: "|-|")[
(if: $int > 0)[
(set: $int to it - 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it + 1)
(replace: ?intStat)[|intStat>[$int]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
}
Charisma: |chaStat>[10] {
(link-repeat: "|+|")[
(if: $totalPoints > 0)[
(set: $cha to it + 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it - 1)
(replace: ?chaStat)[|chaStat>[$cha]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
(link-repeat: "|-|")[
(if: $cha > 0)[
(set: $cha to it - 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it + 1)
(replace: ?chaStat)[|chaStat>[$cha]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
}
Strength: |strStat>[10] {
(link-repeat: "|+|")[
(if: $totalPoints > 0)[
(set: $str to it + 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it - 1)
(replace: ?strStat)[|strStat>[$str]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
(link-repeat: "|-|")[
(if: $str > 0)[
(set: $str to it - 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it + 1)
(replace: ?strStat)[|straStat>[$str]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
}
Fortitude: |conStat>[10] {
(link-repeat: "|+|")[
(if: $totalPoints > 0)[
(set: $con to it + 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it - 1)
(replace: ?conStat)[|conStat>[$con]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
(link-repeat: "|-|")[
(if: $con > 0)[
(set: $con to it - 1)
(set: $totalPoints to it + 1)
(replace: ?conStat)[|conStat>[$con]]
(replace: ?pointsStat)[|pointsStat>[$totalPoints]]
]
]
}
[[Begin!]](set: $cha to it + 1)
"A Mr. Tuesday? No, I can't say I've heard of him. Why?"
"He's just got something of mine." He thinks for a moment, before searching for something else in his pockets.
"Tell me, son, have you heard of the great sport of Geocaching?"
You haven't.
"I haven't."
"Well, you look like you'd be a good fit for it. Here, think about it," he presses a worn trifold pamphlet into your hands and zips himself up. "No pressure, we could just use more people like you: big and burly and not-all-there. Henchpeople, you know?"
He runs some water over his hands and shakes them out. The two of you rotate again so he can open the door. He glances back at you.
"Let me know. I'll be going through the seats for this Tuesday person."
He's gone.
You look at the pamphlet.
(click-append: "You look at the pamphlet.")[ It's printed on light green cardstock. The cover flap shows a stylized crosshairs logo over clipart of a flag.
You open it to see a bulleted list titled "Benefits", a pixelated image of a couple smiling and holding up a small box, and a second list titled "Job Description". The benefits include fairly regular stuff: a dental plan, paid holidays, free meals, child care, etc.
The job description list seems a little more suspect. Statements such as "Steal legendary treasures" and "Avoid enemy agents" and "Track down rogue players" catch your eye.
The back of the pamphlet is blank save for a telephone number and a fax address.](set: $cha to it - 1)
"Actually, it's Monday," you correct.
"Hm?" He throws a look over his shoulder. "Today's Friday."
"No-I, my name isn't Tuesday. It's Monday."
He digests this and then fishes out a pen to cross something out on the receipt.
"In that case..." He zips himself up, washes his hands, shakes them dry, and tackles you against the wall. He scours you for something before zeroing in on something on the back of your neck. He grabs hold of whatever it is and pulls hard.
(click-append: "pulls hard.")[
Lightning shoots down your spine and your vision blacks out before returning in patches. You hear a rushing in your skull--waves, maybe?--and vaguely recognize that you've become slumped over.
The captain steps back and wrings out his hands. "It sure is stuck in there. Why on earth would you do this to yourself?" he wonders. He squeezes his hands into fists twice and shakes them out twice before returning to the object.
On this pull, you feel something unravel. The fibers of this object tear away from your cervical vertibrae and you lose feeling from the shoulders down. The captain lets up momentarily to roll your head to the side and look into your eyes. You can barely see him.
"Say hi to great-aunt Bertha, will you? And cousin Reynaud as well, if he managed to make it to hell."
He smiles grimly and yanks the geocache once more.
DEATH END!]